Plum Blossoms

Hey, guys and gals. I’m not sure why it’s taken me so long to write another post… I think my internal censor has been interfering too much.

Nuts to that. Naked is part of my blog’s title for a reason. I’m only interested in total and complete self-annihilation. Laying myself bare is my specialty. Before I get to the hard stuff, though, I want to share what a beautiful day it was yesterday, in spite of the fact that summer is really over.

The sky exploded with leaves—no kidding. They fell like rain. Annie was thrilled about getting to play with the kids next door, so she was frolicking and wagging her tail. All I could do was smile at the perfect moment where I found myself. If only all moments were like that. They are, really—we just don’t notice it.

The last time something like that happened, I had to write a poem about it. It’s not as good as Ryōkan, but what the hell.

All these things, good or bad,
Are merely guides to where we are going:
Nothing can interrupt the path.

Translation: Everything is perfect the way it is. Things that seem to cause suffering only make us suffer because of how we perceive them; in reality, everything is leading up to the ultimate perfection, guiding us on the way to greater understanding. We all came from the same place, and no matter what we do, we’ll all end up in the same place, too. Nothing needs to be done, because it’s all happening in the present moment, from a space of endless potential. The goal (enlightenment, or whatever you want to call it) is inevitable. There are ways to speed up the process, but it’s impossible to screw it up, no matter what.

Despite having realized that, I still struggle with my sense of self-worth. Sometimes I feel like I’m not meant to be happy, that instead I should act as a stepping-stone to lead others to happiness. I give a great pep-talk, but I’m not so good at following my own advice.

Right now, I’m doing my best to come to terms with people and events from my past. Who is it that said “the only way out is through?” Remind me to shoot him. I often wonder what life would be like if I grew up in a monastery, sheltered from hostile influences… but of course, fate never lets us off the hook.

On a happier note, I have made some progress, and I don’t plan to stop until I’m done.  I won’t be confined to my body, let alone my chair.  We don’t have time for a dress rehearsal, babe. This is it.

I must go there today—
Tomorrow the plum blossoms
Will scatter.

(Ryōkan)

Frogs

(This post died, somehow. Mercury retrograde strikes again! That, or too much fiddling on my part . . . thank goodness for saved revisions.)

Blogging with a slight stomach-ache, today. I didn’t exactly want to get out of bed, but I’m determined to be productive, anyway.

The weird dreams keep coming; this time, I was writing a novel and working at a women’s shelter with Nakedjen. (Can men even do that?)

Maybe it’s the universe’s way of nudging me in the right direction. For what it’s worth, the blog has really helped me get the creative juices flowing, even though it’s not very old, yet. The time to sit and let life pass me by is over. If for no other reason than to avoid being boring, I’ve started thinking of things to write about (for fun) for the first time since I was in middle school. I love clichés, sometimes, so it feels like a whole new world is waiting to be explored.

With that in mind, I’ve started to cross things off my to-do list. I’ve realized that I’m capable of being happy wherever I am, but there’s nothing wrong with going for something just because you want it. I plan on living a long life, but, in the grand scheme of things, our lives are still short.

A late birthday-gift came in the mail, today (Dewdrops on a Lotus Leaf, a collection of poems by the 18th-century Zen monk Ryōkan), and I wanted to share one of my favourites with you. I hope you love it as much as I do:

How can I possibly sleep
This moonlit evening?
Come, my friends,
Let’s sing and dance
All night long.

Stretched out,
Tipsy*,
Under the vast sky:
Splendid dreams
Beneath the cherry blossoms.

Wild roses,
Plucked from fields,
Full of croaking frogs:
Float them in your wine**
And enjoy every minute!

* Ryōkan liked to drink and have sex—but, hey . . . our humanity is just as beautiful as anything else (especially because it’s impermanent).

** While you’re dancing and singing, make sure you put the roses in your wine, and not the frogs. They might be upset.

Hot-blooded

As the title suggests, the weather is exceedingly warm, right now . . . but I quite like being alive, so I’m not complaining.

I went for a nice walk with the puppy today; we laughed, we hugged, we rolled in the grass. Annie growled at a parked motorcycle. Did I mention that life is good?

As cliché as it must sound, I really believe that life is about enjoying ourselves and being good to one another along the way. Of course, it’s not all sunshine and roses, but it’s much easier if you can take pleasure in the small things (like sunshine and roses).

Life is the gigantic rollercoaster we all get to ride. Good or bad, we will always have memories of it; but each of us has the power to turn our experience into something wonderful, even if parts of it are frightening. The right friend can help us to put things in perspective, and we will be able to laugh about it, later on.

Zen master Shunryu Suzuki once said, “The most important thing is to find out what is the most important thing.” So don’t be afraid: you don’t need to be the one who pukes on the ride.  Instead, surrender to the moment and make it memorable—for all the right reasons.

Dreamscapes

On Friday, I fell asleep listening to The Hobbit (unabridged), and my dreams had nothing to do with Middle Earth.

I visited beautiful places that I hadn’t seen before—in this life, at least. More than anything, I was struck by how similar they were to “our” world, while remaining fundamentally different. As I recall, one of these places was underwater. I had gone there to escape from someone; after stepping through a door to an empty space, a sort of liquid light began pouring from my hands and I found myself in an underwater cave.

I later emerged into what seemed to be a futuristic monastery, filled with people who appeared to be perfectly human. It felt like something was ushering me along, though, so I didn’t get to stop and chat. I hate it when that happens.

The human mind is a wonderful thing

Nerd note: I found a free program called KeepNote (for Mac, Windows and Linux) that I’m going to use to [try to] record my dreams. It should be useful for other things, too, so check it out, if you feel the urge. I’m using KBlogger on ArchLinux for the first time, so I have no idea how this entry will look.

In other news, my grandmother is back home after a short hospital visit. Thanks to all who wished her well.

Hi there

I had fantasized about starting my blog on a happier note, but the truth is that there is no happier time than now. Happiness is all around, waiting for us to find it. Oddly enough, on this strangest of days, I still have a smile on my face.  I probably owe that to Thich Nhat Hanh.

Today I remember someone who deserves to be remembered. I don’t think I said more than four words to her at a time, when she was alive, and I don’t remember the date—or even the year—that she died, but I’ll never forget the memorial that was held by her friends and classmates, and what happened there.

At first, I went because it seemed like the right thing to do, even though I felt out of place. I sat and listened to people telling crying and telling stories while “Fogarty’s Cove” played in the background, hoping not to embarrass myself too much, when her father walked up and hugged me warmly. “Kate has told us all about you,” he said. “We’re so glad you came.” His eyes were wet. I was stunned. A number of my playmates had died in the past due to medical complications, but I was much younger, then, and wasn’t overly upset by it. This was different—it was the first time I directly experienced the effects of someone’s suicide.

At any rate, I’m happy to have made a difference in Kate’s life, however small. Grieving is not something I do, because each of us is on a unique path, and it was clearly time for her to go. The trouble is that death is never easy for meatbags like us, even if we’re only observers.

Maybe it’s the full moon making me extra sentimental, but I felt like I had to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening